I've heard a lot of theories over the years about God's role in pain and suffering, many of which I've either partly or wholly ascribed -- or maybe a better word is succumbed to... There is the fundamentalist view that we're meant to suffer because it refines and purifies us... The born-again view that tells us if our faith were only strong enough, we'd have no struggles, no suffering in our lives... The atheist view that suffering only proves that there is no loving God... The humanist view that talks about the need to transform pain's negative energy into positive, self-improvement and fulfillment... The new age view of balancing and past-life correction... And the list goes on.

In an urgent attempt to make some sense of the hurt that drove me (and still sometimes drives me) to the edge of my sanity, I've tried to apply variations of the theories in my own life, each time coming up still void of answers. Yet, there's a desperate part of me that clings to the belief that God is and God cares. Perhaps, it's the part that knows somehow I was protected when I tried to take my own life...or maybe it's the part of me that just isn't quite willing to give up yet...

But the question remains: where was God? I'm finally beginning to formulate some theories of my own that make considerably more sense than any I've known until now. Maybe God was in the spark of hope that somehow survived in us. Maybe God was in the mercy that allowed our minds to escape to a safe void until it was over or helped us to forget until we were ready to remember. Or, as a wise woman shared with me, maybe God administered the anaesthetic that helped to numb our bodies to the pain.

I'm sure I'll continue to contemplate God theories, but in the meantime, those I've already framed have enabled me to stop shaking my figurative fist in anger because it's conceivable God didn't abandon me then afterall...and somehow, it helps to believe that.

Copyright 1996, may not be re-printed without express permission

Sage

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