What do you do when no one knows what to do with you? When you don’t know what to do with you? Which road do you go down, which path do you choose? How do you tell someone who’s forbidden. . . that you need them? That you want them. . . to take a chance ~ where do you put your soul when it’s so dark inside, that even you can’t take that second glance where do you put your heart when you can’t cry, who do you touch. . . who do you reach for when you’re all alone, what do you do "in the rush" what do you do with a lost, that won’t stop~ yes you know all the answers. . . and yet something deep in your soul just won’t let it go because it just isn’t done. . . not correct its done with the mind, it’s done with the mouth but my soul, its been left on its own, and the measure of man, it’s all you understand, and your damned if you do or you don’t How can I explain, just what constitutes pain it may not be what you’d expect. Just how much has been lost with my not being able to trust, and the fear that I will never attain the will of my God, the quench of my need the two just cannot agree, with my spirit I do want Him, but my flesh oh so weak will it be the destruction of me? will the rage, will the conflict, the fire and the greed the shortest distance to hell, be the path that I choose, in this ever threatening noose, or will I serve my God well? Will I overtake sin, with its striving to win, this battle that is so up to me. For even tho’ it is "the Lord’s" with it’s enticing rewards, its so full of me I just can’t see. . . grace. . . for just what it is, no works and no frills, a redemption that I cannot "take away" something I can’t control, this redeeming my soul , that this price already’s been paid so what do I do, with my guilt. . . trying to be good enough to please Him, so that I ~ can come to Him in peace boldly trusting His grace, when it’s so much easier believing a lie so I struggle with sin, hypocrite, feeling so damned within I so understand His holiness still. I long to worship and praise in spite of "my ways" I know He is beginning and end I have never felt more naked, then when I was exposed at the outhouse in front of Him, there the losses I felt even hell couldn’t melt, the coldness that layered my sin at times I feel worthy, but those times are so rare and yes I know ~its not by my works its all by His grace. . . But my hands, they seem laced. . . I think you’ll understand. . . they hold so much power, the power of hell they have a mind of their own. They seem cursed to give pleasure cursed to relieve, what hell I experienced at home it goes deeper then that, they are just a tool, a means to an end, always were. But the fire that drives them now, that’s what survived "him" and its not about him. . . it’s about~ her somewhere deep in the fire, of this inordinate desire lurks a demon that likes to send me, into torrents of need of torrential greed, consuming my will with its power it settled inside my flesh, in the pleasure dad left and that pleasure was cursed by MY need . By the craving, the longing, the need for belonging but then entered my mother. . . her creed so much different then dads , she spoke for God and she said that He was so shamed by my need, disappointed to death so that no comfort was left, I was abandoned , deserted by ME For ME was the guilty, sentenced by God , to a lifetime of trying to redeem what happened that day, what a damned price to pay, for a fathers abduction of me for a fathers damned pleasure, that took licence to mine took licence to molest and arouse, and then used his own sin, to condemn me with him and a mother who agreed with God’s vows that nothing UNCLEAN, could ever be seen, by His all seeing eyes that forgot, to look in on the scene, when demons convened, and all hell was out for new blood young virgin and father, but mother would cover, his sin and magnify mine, she would bring me before God, a chastening rod, would touch me in ways not DIVINE it would leave me confused, in my soul. . . tho’ I knew with my mind, the truth of abuse. But there’s something that "gives" with a lie that outlives, all of heavens attempts at the truth a blinding array, of sins efforts that day, branded me sinner by default when a mothers demands, for a offering for him left her daughter on the altar~ because she wouldn’t believe, or just couldn’t conceive that I could be innocent still, even tho’ this child’s body felt what it shouldn’t feel at the "gentle" touch of HIS WILL Yes I am somewhat confused, and I struggle with you and desires that I shouldn’t feel the child within me, just won’t shut up you see till you see her and SHE understands what SHE’S been through she thinks that it’s you, who needs to see through all of the pain that she feels , but its her that just can’t seem to reach your comfort. . . the breach, seems to be to much, it’s concealed in the years and the torment of trying to solve, the need issue that keeps her from all her heavenly Father, and the women she loves and yet she cannot rise above its really tough to describe, how far reaching the lie when her focus is so seared by her sin, that became all consuming, because it consumed all of her and she’s so stuck in that place where she knows she couldn’t help what happened ~but still. . . she became the one who must stand with her back to God’s grace

grace

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