THE JOURNEY

I awaken into nightmares, the forest of deadness.

There are no feelings, no choices. A numb world, trees lifeless.
It is cold, dark and frightening. Where is reality?
I wander into the tunnel. The entrance vanishes!
A soundless echoing of shrouded pictures encircles me.
FEAR! PANIC!
"One day at a time",
the phrase attacks me as each passing day,
every moment, turns day to night and night to day.
Time, a fixed property, is unmeasurable.

I run and hide, into pills, busyness,
denial and finally illness that threaten my very life.
I yearn for the illness to swallow me whole.
I force my eyes closed, frantic for sleep.
Through darkness the pictures become crystal clear.
I smell their corrupt existence!
They grope me with rough hands of remembrance.
Screaming quiet pounds relentlessly in my brain!
Vomit, bile, retching!
My bony frame now unrecognizable.
PAIN! ABANDONMENT! SADNESS! CONFUSION! LOSS!
Dissociation, a brief reprieve. DESPERATION!

Euphoric,
I glimpse the "Light at the end of the tunnel", a mirage.
I'm plummeting backwards.
FRUSTRATION! Why must I keep on trying?

The roses among the thorny brambly bush,
my husband, my daughter, my son and family who care.
I want to soar, a phoenix,
fighting my way to freedom from the memories.
I crave the torturous images be deafened into their place,
in the past, never forgotten, just viewed in proper perspective.
Finally, to enjoy the healing glow and warmth of the sun,
to bask in its quietness of mind,
and to savour simple pleasures.

But first, I must elude the diversions,
eternal setbacks and illusions.
It is paramount that I break out of these terrifying tunnels!
Is there enough of this unmeasurable time?

Copyright 1997 - NOT to be copied unless given permission by the author.

Maire

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