The sun is bright and the sky cloud free Yet things are weighing down on me What’s happened now, or perhaps before To stop me opening up my door Going out on the street amongst those people And knowing that I am their equal Once too I was happy and yes carefree Before depression got its grips on me I recall no one ‘openly’ questioned my weight It didn’t matter that I hadn’t a date I was always invited along for a natter Had a “beautiful face”, was full of the patter I don’t remember feeling that anything was wrong I was one of ‘the group’ it was cool to belong Loads of pals at home and dependable at work Life and soul of the party, oh what a lark Proved I was needed, trustworthy, a tower So why am I here then, when did it go sour My right knee gave up with the strain of the weight Decided it was time to watch what I ate I joined a slimming club to put matters right And dutifully attended on each Tuesday night Until lo and behold, was this only a dream I’d actually reached a slim size 14 I couldn’t believe that was me in the mirror I’d always been fat, but I now had a figure I looked pretty healthy and felt really great But why did some one have to ask for a date It must have then dawned in my deep subconscience ‘Now that’s no allowed’, he’s just talking nonsense Was right there and then that the damage was done Only 18 months into this new life begun And without really knowing that I’d made the choice Not fully aware of this tiny wee voice Which told me repeatedly you’re not in control I kept putting weight on, destroying my goal Turns out this was really a type of defence To keep men away at ‘a good arm’s length’ But why did I need to, why could I not be Like all of those others ‘in love’ around me He did it he ruined me, made me dirty and bad He ruined my childhood and dreams that I had Facing up to this problem, deep rooted and sad Is the toughest “to do” task that I’ve ever had I’ve looked back and oh it is painful to see The bad things he did over and over to me I know I should place the blame on no other Would it be easier to do if it wasn’t my brother The facts are now bare and the wound it will heal It had to come out so that I could feel Less fear and less guilty, it wasn’t my choice I was only a child without any voice The past finally over, that’s how it should be I’m stronger and wiser, he can’t control me

from the love of my life

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