Sexual Abuse Reading Centre

Survivors and Cutting

Hurting oneself is something fairly common among survivors. There are many different ways of doing that, some cut, others pull off hair, I scratch. The key in all of this is that it hurts. Since cutting seems to be the most common way of hurting oneself, I will call all self-injuring cutting in this post.

So, why cutting?

There are many reasons to cut. One thing is CONTROL. When a child is abused, it has very little (if any) possibility to protect itself. The abuser can cause the pain any time. The child has no control at all. As the child grows up and comes across a stressful situation, the stress often gets associated with pain. So he/she cuts. The person gets in control over the situation. And even though cutting is damaging, and could create huge feelings of shame and guilt later on, being in control feels good.

Another reason is the PUNISHMENT. Some people have been taught that they are bad persons who should be punished. And cutting is a way of continuing that punishment.

Some people cut to become UNATTRACTIVE. It is like a protective measure. "If I am unattractive, I won’t be sexually abused again." This chain of thoughts can also be a cause for eating disorders.

For me, cutting is a way of FEELING. It is when I am filled with something, a feeling or a memory, and I just don’t know what it is or how to get it out, that I turn to cutting. That makes me feel something. I can pinpoint the pain to something particular. You could say that this is a way for me to transfer the emotional pain to a physical one. Another part of this could also be that one needs to feel that one really is alive. Many survivors feel like they are "living dead", or as if they are leaving their bodies. The pain one causes make him/her "return" to the body, and to come back to the present time.

Why do I feel so good after having cut?

The reason for feeling good here is that the body’s releasing its own morphine. That makes you feel "good". This is one very important part, because you might become addicted to this feeling, to have the morphine floating through your veins. One other reason is that the tensions you’ve felt before you cut are, at least to some extent, released.

What are the results of cutting?

I think most people would agree that cutting is something that is bad. It can make you feel strong (as you can take the pain), in control. It hurts, and makes you feel alive. But it can also make you feel ashamed and guilty for being "crazy" enough to do this. Those are things that lower your self-esteem. And low self-esteem can make people turn into bad relationships, turn into addictions and other things. Cutting could also cause severe damages to your body. There is always the risk of infections, loosing too much blood, tetanus etc.

What can I do when I have cut, and am feeling miserable?

This is not an easy question. I have promised myself several times to stop hurting myself, but then something comes up, and I turn back to old patterns again. And I feel so miserable, like a huge failure. The important thing, at least to me, is to get reassured that I still am a good person, that I still am somebody who is worth love and care, that I’m not going crazy. I try to talk with a support person, or my therapist, or post a message on a bulletin board for survivors, just to receive support, and help. Because when I am in the middle of this, I just can’t see anything but a huge failure. So reaching out is my best suggestion.

So how can I stop cutting?

There is only one answer to this question. That is to find out what causes you to cut, and find another way of dealing with or releasing that. A first step here is to recognise the signs that the urge to cut is there. This seems to be easy when you see it in writing, but when it comes to implementing it on your own life, your own situation, it is not so easy. The most important thing here is that you really want to stop cutting.

I’ll give you some suggestions I’ve been given about what you could do instead of cutting when the urge comes.

- learn different relaxation techniques - try not to be alone (visit a friend, ask a friend to come over, go shopping...)
- listen to music
- go for a walk
- write a journal
- wear an elastic around your wrist and snap it when you have the urge to harm yourself
- hold ice-cubes in your hands - the cold causes pain in your hands, but it is not dangerous or harmful
- punching a bed or a pillow
- avoid temptation (if you cut, stay clear of razors, knifes etc.)
- try to find your own creative ways of letting your emotions out
- go outside and scream and yell
- take up a sport
- instead of harming yourself, try massaging the area you want to hurt with massage oils or creams
- remind yourself that you are special and you deserve to treat yourself and your body with love and respect
- make a deal with a friend that you always will talk with him/her before you hurt yourself. When the urge comes, remind yourself of your promise, and talk to that person. It often helps just to talk with somebody about how you really feel.
- if your need is met only by seeing your own blood, it might help if you draw lines with a red pen on the place you normally cut.

-- Copyright: Leli, 1999

Reprinted with permission

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